The importance of intimacy (1)

It is said that any ‘Sex and love Addiction is an Intimacy disorder’. It’s about time we started taking our intimate relationships seriously. Simply put, intimacy is ‘to know’ and ‘be known’. It is one of the most basic needs of all humanity – we all long to know ourselves, have others know us, and know others too.

The Origins of Intimacy

Before the beginning of time, the Father desired to have a family. Firstly, in the form of the trinity, and then with mankind, initially with Adam and Eve (Genesis 1:26). A significant part of this relationship included Father God’s desire to know Jesus and the Holy Spirit, and then Adam and Eve, and then to be known by them in a deep and profound way. 

In 1 Corinthians 13: 12, Paul writes: ‘For now we see in a mirror, dimly, but then face to face.  Now I know in part, but then I shall know just as I also am known’ (NKJV). The Apostle, Paul, is making it clear that our heavenly bodies will be known completely, and we will know others, including the trinity, in the same way. Therefore, this knowing links us to heaven and is very significant to God. This knowing is what we understand as intimacy. Being intimate (knowing and being known) separates us from animals; gives us the capacity to confront pain, and allows us to find deep meaningful relationships. Intimacy makes us part of the heavenly family and re-instates each one of us to being able to experience the intimacy that Adam and Eve would have experienced with God in Eden.

Jesus was an intimate man – He had deep relationships with many people, both men and women. In the context of Jesus’ life on earth, his encounter with Mary Magdalene who anointed his feet, was deeply intimate (Mark 14: 3 – 5). The fact that she used perfume worth a year’s wages and then wiped His feet with her hair was alarming to the onlookers, because in that time, woman only let down their hair in the spousal bedroom. In her act, she was noticing, and helping others to notice the majesty and worth of Jesus.

Jesus understood intimacy, but he didn’t need to sexualize it. Jesus had close relationships with his mother and John, so much so that he made sure his mother, Mary, had a family and home with John when he died (John 19:25) – in this home, she would continue to be known, and be given the opportunity to know others – this would be intimacy experienced within a family. The whole of Jesus’ life on earth reveals Him as open to share his heart and life’s blood (literally too) and open to receive, listen, affirm, validate and love those who were willing to share their heart with Him.

These origins emphasise how essential being intimate is. An inability to be intimate with oneself and others is one of the most common causes of unhealthy sexual behaviour. This lack of true intimacy is possibly the most significant reason for people to enter into pre-marital, or casual sex that creates havoc in their lives, and generations to follow. One of the reasons for this, is that a lack of intimacy causes people to yearn so deeply for closeness that they believe sexual interaction will make up for it – in other words, they sexualise this need for closeness. 

Sex, in the right context, is one of the deepest forms of intimacy because it is a complete exposing (physically as well) of our person, with someone else. Sadly, sex can also be had with little, if any, intimacy. If there is no meaningful desire to know or be known between the couples that are having sex, it’s as good as sharing a very precious secret with someone who will not value it and protect it . Too many people mix up their need to know and be known emotionally and intellectually, with sex, which can too quickly create unhealthy sexual scripts that can become addictive. Many porn addicts attest to this being at the heart of their struggle.

Intimacy needs to be developed intentionally for us to become real, authentic human beings that can love extravagantly and be loved in return. So let’s deal with this now. Take some time to:

  1. Acknowledge who you are in God’s eyes – be honest.
  2. Consider how you feel about who you are – why do you feel this way?
  3. Share your revelations of who you are with someone close to you.
  4. Allow them to respond to you.
  5. Validate the person by pointing out something you notice about them.

This process seems very simple and far removed from any sexual behaviour, but be assured that filling ourselves up with the truth of who we are, sharing it accurately with others, and then validating others, is essential to becoming sexually healthy beings.

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